#63 Befriending uncertainty
and - breathe
Simply trust that you can! And
*
breathe.
*
Walking down the street I feel a little bit weightless / even as my shoe soles are slapping the pavement / life is right here, holding me, even when I feel uncertain /
and / breathe.
Certainty! So sexy. But also as impossible as treading your fingers through water, wishing it to be solid. Yet I can accept that quality easily.
The other day I remembered we all get a little bit lost sometimes and it was a comforting thought. My friend tells me It’s weird! I feel I have nothing to say! there are years of contracting and expanding, where there is a lot to say, where there is only a lot to integrate / and /
breathe
What do you want to feel certain of? I think, as long as I have my own back. / and / breathe
*
Spring begins! As above, so below. The Sun is here, and there is some trust in that. Even when you can’t see it. And / breathe.
Treading and treading and treading through water.
The skin feels so sensitive, anything could puncture it, tread lightly and carefully, or careen into it and / crash into it and / run towards it and / see?
Breathe. You lived.
A room. The compulsive need for order. The pathological impulse to rationalize. Neatly. Into boxes. Lest they burst. And /
breathe
People are beautiful. And their beauty isn’t orderly. This is easy to accept in theory. Much less in practice, sometimes. And / breathe.
What are you looking for? A piece of paper to sign off that is tying you to time? That’s interesting! Why? And
breathe.
Easier to think, grass is greener. This. This is difficult. But I also chose this! Didn’t I? And / breathe. and breathe. and breathe.
*
Reading a book. Sitting on the windowsill. Picking up bread. Smell of butter and pastry. Rewatching a 2000s movie. Over and over. Simplicity and homesickness, rolled into one.
Go traveling? Rent out a comically small, closet-sized room on the 6th floor of a downtrodden Parisian building again. For the handsome price of €300 a week. All the amenities! If you just use the space cleverly.
And / breathe.
Winter — spring — summer — fall — seasonality shows you there is movement, after all. And
breathe.
*
The search for certainty finally comes to an end, much like anesthesia leaving your body/ drip drip drip
and. breathe.
The end of April comes and then May arrives and then it doesn’t feel so urgent anymore. To tie meaning to it.
You can squeeze tighter and get to where you’ll be, or let it go and get to where you’ll be. Weightless. Soles slapping the pavement.
and,
breathe
*
July, 2015