#32 It's like you're my mirror
my mirror staring back at meeeee
I’ve been thinking about mirrors a lot lately. It’s mainly been due to some strain in my relationships, misunderstandings, lack of communication, or just general stuff that needs to be resolved. I’ve been trying to understand my own judgment of these situations and the people in them, experiencing them with me (because we’re always experiencing things together). I do really believe that everything happens within a context, especially how we feel about anything and everything. Even our feelings, as private as they may feel, are always going to exist as a result/mirror/experience of the thing outside of ourselves.
If it sounds complicated, it’s because it’s hard to explain, but not that hard to relate to. Just like everything that has to do with feelings, in my experience.
Case in point:
My friend sent me screenshots of her conversations with a guy she met over the summer. “Do you think this is weird? I think it’s weird,” she tells me, going on to say something along the lines of, “I won’t dwell on it too much, maybe it was just a nice fling, that’s it”.
I think about it, and it’s that moment of recognition right there: I see myself because I am also her. I, too, cling to every word the person I’ve been involved with has said. I try to find the deeper meaning, try to figure out what they may have been feeling, what they didn’t say, what that might mean.
When something has mattered a lot to me in the past, especially in dating, I’ll try and make a story that as elaborate — or simple — as it may be, has one sole purpose: to protect me. To keep me safe from possible disappointment, rejection, pain. I can only name maybe one or two instances in my dating life where that didn’t happen, and well, I’m trying to make this the norm: to be present for the feeling rather than build a story that braces me for imaginary impact. Ironically, these stories also shield me from experiencing the very thing I want to feel: connection. It isolates me instead. So, what’s the point there? Lol. Brains.
So, here is what I told my friend, a transcription of voicenotes (if you know me, you know I fucking LOVE a voicenote). It explains everything so much better than typing about it in an “elegant” way would. Stay with me!
(00:03):
It's not great that you were overthinking it, but it's great that you asked for what you needed, and then you just were like, “Hey, why not do this?” Then the feeling [of anxiety] evaporates, of course, because you're not in your head anymore and you've [offered] a bid for connection to just ask and say,
“Hey, I'm trying to connect with you by sharing this vulnerable thing, or by sharing this question or this request. What do you think?”
Because ironically, it robs you of being in the moment… there were two versions of this event. Number one: You could have continued to overthink things and feel super isolated, actually, and alone next to this guy that you like. Number two: you can ask for a cuddle or ask for some soothing, and then maybe that gets accepted. Maybe that is rejected, but you are trying to connect with a person further and then the night just continues, and you had a great time. Those are two vastly different experiences.
(00:02):
And yeah, “I felt insane for feeling so anxious and stuff”. Yeah. [I see what you mean]. Again, I can totally resonate with that. It's actually so hard to talk about. I have a lump in my throat because I just feel… I totally get it. I've been there and I will be there again. That's the thing that's making me lumpy in the throat, and I'm just like, fuck. We all deal with this shit in a way. Not all of us, but some of us. And you and I have very, very similar thought patterns in some ways. So it's a mirror.
I'm looking at myself right now and I'm like, no, please have a good time. It is such a relief [to ask for what you need]. And then that puts you in such a much better position than before because then it's like, I'm so relieved that I've shared something and in the process, I’ve connected with someone. How amazing is that?
Because trying to find more explanations [as to why something didn’t work out] or just “why not have more time” or trying to make something fit that simply doesn’t fit right now, is not going to make anyone happy. And indeed, you can look at the time that you did have together through the lens of “this was unfulfilling because I didn't get more”. Instead of just seeing what you got and being like, oh, “this was fulfilling for the sake of this experience”.
(00:53)
“…I want something that's indeed fulfilling long-term, that I can grow and evolve in. But for the sake of this experience and what it was, I had a great time”. To get to that point? That's fucking hard.
Again, that really is hard for me, so hard, because in an ideal world, I would meet the love of my life tomorrow. redacted, I'm not even joking. I know I'm 26 years old. I know I'm a child, but I've always known this. I was never interested in casual dating, dating just to hook up, just having fun, “catch flights, not feelings”. That is not me. I am “catch all the feelings”. I want to be loved. I want to be nurtured. I don't want to just hook up. Of course, it scratches an itch, but the happiest that I've ever been was dating someone in a serious way, whatever that means.
(01:50)
Having fun, of course, talking about anything and everything. And that just made the experience so much better. So yeah, I'm at a point in my life where I'm like, let's fucking go. If I meet the love of my life tomorrow, let's fucking do this.
Or maybe I wouldn't be ready for it. I don't fucking know. That's also the thing. We think we're ready for certain things and then when it comes down to it, it's like, are we really ready? … Would we be able to appreciate what we have or are we busy spoiling it by overthinking it? I don't know. I dunno. I dunno. Is nothing enough, you know what I mean?
But, back to the connection. To that moment where you ask for something as a bid for connection with the other person. Right there.
(01:00)
That's where we want to get. To the point where we're secure enough in ourselves and confident enough in ourselves that we voice what we need or what we want, and then we just try to go for it by communicating to the other person, “This is what's up. This is what I need”. Without overthinking something that maybe most of the time, is not even in their mind.
So many of the perceived little hurts we experience are just the narratives that we form about a person's behavior or actions, rather than reality.
It's your interpretation of it, and you're going to save yourself so much pain by choosing to communicate, even though that can feel scary and overwhelming because in the end, you're trying to connect with someone. While it may be comforting [to overthink and retreat] because you’ve acted that way before, it leads to more isolation.
[ end ]
Isn’t our human-ness so exciting? It’s so scary sometimes. But it can also be so, so, so amazing. At the end of the day, Ram Dass is right again:
Just be here.
REALLY! Just be here. For the feeling and for the now and for the experience.
Anyway, I thought sharing this would let you know, if making connections with people sometimes triggers an existential spiral - you’re not alone. If ur attachment is “secure” or whatever (I think it’s tricky to label our styles forever) then GOOD for U! It must be a dream to ask for what you need with security. LOL. (I’m trying to be you).
Happy weekend! Connect with each other please!