#31 I was bound to get lost
Like all my favorite movie characters
Like all my favorite movie characters, I,
I was bound to get lost sometime, I, was bound to get lost I -
It’s the canon event it’s the drama it’s the flair, I,
Was bound to get lost sometime,
Wasn’t I?
Was I always supposed to know where exactly I’m headed? The one-year, two-year, five-year plan? The idea that I should prepare for it, to build somewhere new, to go step by step, to try again.
The very curse is also the very blessing: to live somewhere altogether different, under temporary pretexts, means you cannot make a one-year plan. Or maybe not a two-year plan, or a five-year plan. The very curse is also the very blessing: making a move on someone at the bar, introducing yourself in a room full of strangers, going to that party, taking that chance. This chapter of my life is probably a chapter, this life of mine here is on lease - I might as well. You might as well. There’s a little bit of inherited fearlessness.
Like all my favorite movie characters, I, I was bound to get lost at some time. The day would come when I would have That Part of my story, the Part where the heroine, the villain, the sister, the kid, they get lost somewhere funny and strange and mostly confusing. She sits, she lays on her side, cries on her bed. She dries her eyes while more tears keep on, keep on running. “I am not ready to leave yet!” She says. She gets up, smiles and thumbs up, takes a selfie. For the memories! You were here once! You’re here again! October, two years ago.
October, today: a year since she moved back to Amsterdam.
Like all my favorite movie characters, I, I was bound to realize my misgivings at some point. I, I was bound to get lost sometime, wasn’t I?
Was I always supposed to know where exactly I was headed? Or did I tell myself I had to? Tying intention with the idea of time: if you do it intentionally, surely, it’s all part of a bigger picture only you can decide. A picture only you can have a hand at painting. And yet: It isn’t. Life isn’t the bigger picture you thought it was. It isn’t the solo project you were selling yourself on. It’s a big, big canvas, and so much of it makes no sense: you’re zoomed in on this bit, you see. You think you know everything. You think your colors and shapes all have some reason, they’re all making a beautiful picture, but — hey, no, that’s not right! Hey, stop painting over my shapes! Hey, what is that color? I don’t want it, I didn’t agree to it. Hey, I didn’t pick it!
And just like that, you’re back. And you walk, a little backwards, try to take a better glimpse at the whole picture. And then the most confusing thing happens in the world: there was everyone else! The whole world! They’re all painting. They’re right here with you. You’ve never had a single unique experience.
Like all my favorite movie characters, I,
I was bound to get lost sometime, I, was bound to get lost I -
It’s the canon event its the drama its the flair, I,
Was bound to get lost sometime,
Wasn’t I?